My Story The Cheese Plant

My Story The Cheese Plant

The Wanderings of a Cheese Plant

By Harry Rushton

For the hard of hearing ceefax subtitles are on page 100 & 200, for the hard of seeing there are opticians ! and for the hard of understanding don't worry you are not alone. No part of this story shall be published, copied, printed or understood unless prior permission is given by the author.

This Book is dedicated to my Friends Because only my friends would put up with the stick that I give them. All letters are genuine unless otherwise stated.

Once upon a time, (because that is how all good fairy stories start) There lived two couples Chris and Ivan and Val and Harry. Now Chris and Ivan being a kind hearted couple wanted Val and Harry to have a cheese plant, only because both Chris and Ivan hated the cheese plant. It took up most of the oxygen in their living room and most of the floor space too. Val being very short sighted accepted the gift with trepidation. After her glasses had steamed up she realized what a monster she had on her hands. Not wanting to offend Chris and Ivan she wrote a very tongue in cheek letter to them. See next paragraph for the contents of the letter.

Dear Chris and Ivan;

Just a few lines thanking you very much for your lovely present (a triffid) sorry I meant a cheese plant. I am quite astounded by it, the cat is using it as a playground swinging from the branches and using the leaves to sleep on. The dog is very pleased with it he thinks it's a tree and keeps pissing up it, sorry urinating all over it. I do hope there is not a preservation order on it as it is blocking out most of my daylight and I am thinking of chopping it down with a two ton axe. I'm a bit worried because ever time I pass it the leaves fall on my head, I think it might be trying to strangle me. Well thanks once more I really know now who my friends are. I am expecting 2lb. of cheese a year yield, but a tub of butter will do if that's all it can manage.

I get the feeling that it is looking at me, watching me it's really Erie, it's just like it's walking towards me but that's daft thinking isn't it? I do believe it's getting nearer, I feel it's getting closer it Ahhhhh (big scream) I-----t'----s g-----o------t m-------e.

Well back to the story.

Val survived that awful attack but realized that it was the cheese plant or her. Val sat there pondering, what the hell was she going to do with a cheese plant she hated as much as Chris and Ivan did. After extensive inquiries as to whom could give the monster a home she found a fool who goes by the name of Beryl (there's always one isn't there?). She accepted the cheese plant as hers and carried it home, It's giant leaves waving Val and Harry good-bye. (A huge sigh of relief as the cheese plant now finds a new home). Val thought Chris and Ivan would like another letter telling them exactly where the monster (triffid) cheese plant had ended up, so next day she wrote another letter.

Dear Chris and Ivan; Page 1

Reaching the stage of desperation and being half strangled this morning I decided to give that wonderful plant (sorry tree) up for adoption, and the adoption papers where duly signed this afternoon. I can only say it has gone to a wonderful home ( but don' t be suprised if you get postcards from it, from Spain, America or the Siberian desert) ( Shakespeare never had this problem Go to page 2 do not pass go do not collect £200).

Page 2

Hello again I'm page 2 (I do believe I am cracking up)

So a large pot will be delivered to your house as the fee for the adoption, and by the way the plants life story is on the T V on Tuesday at 11.30am to 12.55 pm ( pm is night time if you didn't know). So thanks again for your wonderful gesture but it was a case of me or it. See you soon.

I'm the looney up the road.

You're not still reading are you, you are as mad as me.

Still on with the story then. Both Chris and Ivan thought Great that's the end of that damned plant. ( Ivan said a lot worse but this is a fairy story so we will give the language a miss).

Now during the night of the 23rd. March 1983 an awful thing happened. Val once more wrote to Chris and Ivan, the letter is as follows.

Dear Chris and Ivan;

You will never guess what!------! (Gasp) Beryl's house was broken into last night and the strangest thing, there was only one thing stolen, yes you've guessed it, the cheese plant. Whoever stole it left behind the broom handle that was holding it up but the plant pot and the drip tray completely gone. Beryl's very upset only taking ownership of that wonderful plant the day before and she is worried that you might think that she had been cruel to it or something silly like that, she has been a very good Mother. She had even put half her furniture in the garden so she could house it properly. It didn't matter to her that she couldn't see her TV or hear her radio or that Dallas (her German Shepherd dog) cowered by it kept whimpering and trying to run outside every time the plant moved towards the poor dog. That's how it must have got stolen (Dallas was so frightened of the plant that the burglars got in without him barking or anything). Beryl had to take 4 Valium this morning when she found out that her wonderful plant had been stolen. She's really upset a Mother one day and triffed less the next. It's all to much for her, she will be out on her moped today looking in gardens as she drives all over the pavement ( that's side walk for you American readers). I told her she should be searching the Wye Forest but she is too upset to understand my sense of humor. I wonder who on earth had it?.

You don't think (no surely not) maybe, hey Chris and Ivan you don't think it's been kidnapped do you?

Love Val and Harry.

Now I have your attention and you haven't given up read on for the next nail biting episode of The Wanderings of a Cheese Plant

Poor Beryl, poor Chris and Ivan, poor cheese plant (you are now supposed to wipe a tear from your eyes)

On with the story

Now do you know it appears Val was right, the cheese plant had indeed been kidnapped because a kidnap demand landed on Chris and Ivans mat (sorry lino), the kidnap demand is outline below.

Open with care or with your hands, I have kidnapped your Cheese Plant, it was bungled away (with a king sized blanket over it) in the early hours of Monday morning, it does not know where it is as it was blindfolded when it was taken. As you are the original owners (well nearly) I demand £10,000,000,000,000,000,002 and two empty corona bottles, do not go to the police ( they wouldn't believe you anyway) do not finger print this letter I wrote it with my foot. Put the money in used £50.00 notes into a co-op bag ( they could do with the advertisement). Ivan must wear a pair of white tights, white string vest, white tie , white high stiletto shoes but just so I will recognize you wear a pair of leopard skin underpants over your tights. Carry a white shoulder bag and place a red rose up your nose. If you are not picked up between the time you leave your house and the time you reach the pickup point my name isn't rumplstillskin. (Well you have just narrowed the field down as to who kidnapped your cheese plant. Clue 1 It is not rumplstillskin) Take the co-op bag with the used £50.00 notes inside and drop the corona bottles and the bag outside Rackams. In time I will be in touch, after I have counted the money and got the deposit back off the corona bottles. Your cheese plant will then be handed back to you if you do as I say. If you don't do as I say I will cut off his right fingers ( I mean one of its leaves. If you follow my instructions I will not harm it. (By the way that's the front of Rackams not the back of Rackams). Can you please hurry up as it is blocking out my daylight and I'm finding it hard in this light to see what I am writing. I will be in touch , watch the local newspapers.

Signed the Kidnapper

Ivan in desperation tried kidnapping a neighbours child but her Mother wouldn't pay Ivans demand, in actual fact she offered Ivan money to keep her. The days passed slowly as they all waited for news from the kidnappers. Someone banked on the fact that Ivan was not going to town dressed as a right berk and poor Chris was keeping the staff of the Birmingham Mail in clover, buying it every night and scanning it from cover to cover. Nearly a nail biting week by and then news.... at last!! On page 16 of the personal adverts column was the message we had all been waiting for, it simply read.

Help! Chris and Ivan forget ransom demand I will pay you to have the Damned cheese plant back, it takes up to much room and it's eaten the budgie. I will be in touch watch the post.

We then knew that the cheese plant was safe but where was it ????

The mystery was solved on the 7th. May 1983 when Chris and Ivan received through the post a postcard from Devon with a beautiful view of the sea front on the one side and a simple message on the reverse. The message read.

Dear Chris and Ivan;

I am pleased you didn't pay the ransom, sunning myself and my lovely big leaves in Devon.

Love from your Cheese Plant

P.s. My kidnappers couldn't stand me any longer.

The post card had said it all, everyone in Birmingham was very sick of the cheese plant, but some how it had managed to get it self to Devon. In the mean time and just to confuse things Chris and Ivan sent Val and harry a concrete plant pot, she thanked them from the bottom of her heart and from the bottom of the foundations of their wall as that's where the concrete pot ended up. Also Chris and Ivan had returned to them the original cheese plant pot and stand, which didn't help Chris's memory as she was never sure it was in a pot with a stand in the first place.

A short while after Val and Harry were convinced the cheese plant had been involved in a gems raid because in the National papers that day where the headlines "Pot-plant con men in £2m raid, A £2million gems gang used a house plant to bluff their way into a wealthy Arab's home yesterday. The three raiders persuaded a servant to let them into the house which was guarded by close circuit television by posing as delivery men. Chris and Ivan couldn't throw any light on whether or not the cheese plant was involved, but they where certainly cracking up as the next letter they sent to Val and Harry will show, the letter read.

Dear Val and Harry;

As previous owners to cheddar the cheese plant, naturally I am concerned for her safety. I am not sure if you know the kidnappers if you do please pass on the bottle of Baby Bio, you see she just adores it and she has strict instructions from the plant company to have at least 5 drops a week, we suspect she is pregnant so please tell whoever has her to take special care. I just hope she doesn't give birth to another leaf yet as the stress might kill it, poor thing. If she does I want you christen it "MAN" it doesn't matter what sex it is I want it to be named after what made it grow "MANURE" Ok. Anyway I took your advice and I didn't call the police, but I went to the Citizens Advice Bureau and they are threatening to report you to the N.S.P.C.C.P . (National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Cheese Plants) so don't be supprised if you hear from them. A private investigator telephoned me last week after seeing your notice in the paper and I am hiring him to take up the case of 'The missing Cheese Plant' so I hope you cooperate with me and tell me where it is. If not I'm afraid you will be hearing a lot more from me.

Signed.

The Previous Owner.

So a Mr. Toddle from the N.S.P.C.C.P wrote allaying Chris's fears, his letter read.

N.S.P.C.C.P. President Ronald Regan

Treasurer Percy Thrower

Chairman His Royal

Highness the

The Duke of

Duke Street

Char Lady Old Scrubber

By the name of

Doreen

Dear Sir/Madam,

Being the previous, well previous to the previous owner of one cheese plant I do feel (well my eye sights not what it was) that your complaints of cruelty are totally misguided , a full medical has been carried out on it by a qualified medical expert and we found that infact the cheese plant has had a sex change operation obviously you are convinced it, he, she is a she and you are right, but some time in it's life it was a male. Seems to be a case of a transvestite cheese plant (That should make the national papers if nothing else does ) and the operation to change him to her was a complete success. In fact while she, he, it was kidnapped she, he, it had a dirty weekend in Blackpool and is in fact pregnant, she would like you (so she says) to be God Mommy and God Daddy to her new leaf, but all this coming and going for her has been a bit stressful as you can imagine she feels like she has been pushed from pillar to post or rather from house to house and really fancies a holiday. She said she fancies coal and pickle sandwiches too but I do feel she is pulling my leg a little. She promises to take her vitamin pills and put her roots up in the afternoon for an hour or two. She would like to thank you for your concern but she is not only not being maltreated she has never had so much attention in all her life and is enjoying it enormously.

Tour's Sincerely.

Mr. Toddle Investigator of complaints against Cheese Plants.

P.S. We are a charitable organization so any donations are very welcome, empty plant pots, compost, peat, baby bio, cheques, cash, green shield stamps and empty corona bottles are all welcome.

Meanwhile back at the funny farm a black and white card arrived at Chris and Ivan's (the post card was invented before colour) but it seemed to show that the cheese plant was now moving along the south coast in was now in Seaton Devon. The post card simple read.

Dear Chris and Ivan,

Getting drunk on cider 'wonderful' never had so much fun in my life, on this touring holiday I have been thrown out of three boarding houses I take up too much room. Thinking of you all in Brum. Ha! Ha! That's all for now I will keep in touch.

Love Your Cheese Plant xxxxxx

The pressure was now beginning to mount for poor Chris and Ivan so in total desperation Chris wrote once more to Val and Harry as well as hiring a private investigtor (mind you I'm sure that the the detective wasn't paid the roof, it was more important on the house anyway) The Letter read.

Dear Val and Harry,

I am sorry for implying that you mistreated the cheese plant, but I am sure you can understand that I am under an awful lot of pressure ( the roof has just fell in ) no, really I have been worried sick about her, I have had sleepless nights and have been walking around in a day dream. I think I will have to see a duck ( sorry i meant a quack ) the way I am going on. I was relieved to receive a post card from her to know she is well. You know I said I have a private investigator on this case, well you see he isn't very bright, in fact he is very dull. As soon as I received the post card from Devon I sent him over there to find her. He seems to have found every other plant but my Cheddar . They have the stangest names one is 'B' another is 'U' another is 'R' another is'K' and the last one is 'E' they are named accordingly. My private eye has sent a questionnaire for you to fill in so would you complete it and sent it directly to me and I will pass it on.Thank you.

Chris and Ivan

Val and Harry replied to Chris and Ivans Letter.

Dear Chris and Ivan,

Sorry about the roof, have you been onto it to see if Cheddar is up there? Please don't worry about her I have it on good authority that she has been kidnapped again and it appears to be the same people that kidnapped Shergard, so I'm afraid it is a matter of more sleepless nights and walking around in a dream until you hear how or were she is. I knew you had a private investigator on the case, although it seems more like a public catastrophe to me. He didn't seem very bright, perhaps he need the baby bio not the cheese plant. Did you notice the names of the other plants spelt out BURKE says it all really doesn't it.

Bye for now Val and Harry.

P.s. Just bye for now it's doubtful whether or not the saga of cheddar has ended, you will have to keep watching and waiting.

P.P.s Sir Lew Grade has offered to buy all the scripts involved and wants to turn it into a serial on I.T.V. but the television company hasn't got a title for the saga have you any ideas.

Well a few weeks went by and things seemed to be getting back to normal the cheese plant was put to the back of peoples minds, then would you believe it, yes a letter dropped through the door of Val and Harry, it was a letter and questionaire from that notoriou private eye dead eyed dick.

Private Eye

Glass Eyed Dick

Somewherein

Birming

Lamb

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am keeping my eye on you, no not my glass eye the other one. I am hiding not too far from where you live and am watching every move you make, by the way your pink nightie looks better on you than on your husband. I'm sorry I don't mean to be personal but I was watching though my telescope holding it over my glass eye proceeding towards your house one night when I walked into your wall which broke the glass on my telescope, which knocked out my glass eye and sent it rolling down the telescope which rolled onto your window ledge and that's how I saw you in your nightie. I will sent you a bill for the telescope later. Meanwhile will you please have a look outside your window for my eye. I have a spare but it is green and I prefer my blue one. Please answer my questions, only Mr. and Mrs. Walton wont pay my until they see cheddar again. ( Personally I can't see what all the fuss is about, all this trouble over a stupid plant.) I have a spider plant at home, he is so dear to me but to be honest I don't have the time to love and care for him anymore. When I heard you could afford to send plants to Devon I knew this was the home for my for my plant. Must go now my eye is starting to drop out out, people say I I start to to repeat myself myself when this happens happens so I will go go go before it starts starts starts.

Dick Dick Dick.

Private Dicks Questionaire

Plaese use capital letters only once. Do not use Biro, pencil, chalk or felt tip pens. Answer all questions or you wont get a star.

(1) Do you Know where cheddar is?

Answer.

(2) Where is she then?

Answer.

(3) When will she be back?

Answer.

(4) Is it possible to see her? Where and When?

Keep Watching for the next installment.